on self-love
This year has been filled with a lot of dark thoughts and doubts over doubts, but I’m happy to say it has lead to me re-learning confidence and self-love, I have made many promises to myself one of which is to be kinder to myself and acknowledge when others hurt me, which also means being more vocal even when the hurting being done is not intentional and comes from ignorance or lack of empathy, respect. Here is an attempt to tell you a story, to acknowledging and overcoming insecurities, because telling hardships does not make you weaker if anything it opens you up to possibilities of learning the hardships other people are going through and learning how to be a better human.
so..today I got called thin, but in a way, someone would talk about a wall, not a human being. I laughed like I usually do.. see I have been hearing comments like these ever since I can remember myself.
It started with comments like ‘tiny’ or ‘small’ with the undertone of how ‘fragile’ I look compared to the other kids in my kindergarten class(who by the way were a year older).
When I was 7 I had to repeat my first year of piano class because apparently I didn’t pass the piano recital (when I thought I did ok), later on a fellow student let it slip that it was because I was ‘’too weak, too frail’’. I couldn’t reach an octave in a single stretch of a wrist. It was too late though, I had already given up, I didn’t think I was any good. I liked playing the piano at home, I hated going to piano practice.
Around 5th or 6th grade we started swimming lessons and again it seemed like me being in a swimsuit was an excuse for people to remind me of how lanky my body was. I was constantly mocked for how thin my arms and legs were, classmates would ask if they can try to connect their pinky to thumb around my arms and my legs, some of them thought it was an entertaining game. In the meantime, I started getting stomach aches in mornings before school and my mom had to take me to several doctors before anyone of us realized the pattern - swimming was the first lesson on Thursdays and somehow my stomach aches were always worse on Thursdays. (My parents even arranged extra lessons because they thought if I got better at swimming I would be happier about doing it in school). I love swimming, but I still hate swimming pools and crowded beaches.
I have a very vivid memory of spending 20 minutes in the doctor’s office at school from when I was 14, explaining over and over that I am not sick and my family feeds me well.
As every girl around me grew into womanhood but I kept stretching in height not width I got called kaulu kambaris, caurduris, kaulainā and so on, the Latvian equivalent of toothpick, stick, bones and anything else you can imagine. Hearing/speaking these words still clench up my body to this day.
Somehow everyone I met thought they had a right to speak about what I look like. I was body shamed by my classmates, friends, colleagues, even people who should’ve known better like teachers, family friends and relatives - to this day I feel like I shouldn’t say anything because ‘there are people who actually are struggling’ I feel ungrateful because everytime I bring this up I am reassured that ‘there are people who would give everything to look like you’ and or met with ‘really? your problem is that you are too thin?’
I have struggled with gaining weight my whole life (because I was told I had to gain weight, not because I was unhealthy). I’d get super happy about every kilogram I put on and crying when after a stressful exam season at school or a rough break-up I would lose what took me 3 times as much time to gain. So I wonder if a person is struggling to lose weight since their adolescence would it be okay to comment on how it’s not a problem?
I didn’t really give a thought about how much impact the dealing with constant ridicule for being naturally skinny left.. until this summer when I felt ashamed to ask for size 32 jeans at the store because.. because I was a 27-year-old woman, so I bought the size 34 hoping to ‘grow into them’. IT’S STUPID, I KNOW. I know that change and acceptance come from within but please stop giving people unsolicited advice on how they should look like as if something’s wrong with how they already look.
I am sick of pretending to laugh at jokes about how the wind is gonna blow me off my feet, about how if anything hit me only a pile of bones would be left or how you can basically see through me. It’s not original, it’s not funny.
I am tired of listening to comments that question how often, how much and exactly what I eat. Being thin does not make me unhealthy, so I want to reassure anyone that ‘eat a burger’ is not the right way to show your concern for anyone’s health. It is not helpful, it’s not a compliment.
I am saddened anytime women try to make themselves feel better by putting other women down with texts like ‘real women have curves’ and ‘bones are for dogs, real women have meat on their bones’ I assure you, I am real. Telling me I have the ‘’body of a little boy’’ does not make you more beautiful. When you use slogans like “I’ll never be petite, I’m too busy being strong” what are you really saying? Who are you helping? Stop referring to the ‘normal’ body as if there is one, we are all different and that’s what makes life exciting.
All people deserve the same amount of respect, it’s that easy
Rudens projekts
I wish it was easy to be happy
man paprasīja - ja Tu tagad mirtu un Tev būtu jāizvēlās kādā augā reinkarnēties, kas Tu būtu?
visi domā savas asprātīgās atbildes un es domāju par baltajām puķītēm uz Theodrēna kapa.. nē tas nav reāli, Simbelmyne taču pastāv tikai Tolkina visumā un es šobrīd esmu te, kur pastāv reinkarnēšanās augos, pieņemsim
Es būšu egle, jā jā! parasta egle, parastā mežā, šūpošos saules gaismā un dejošu vējos, es būšu egle un man būs egles draugi.
(via forestofthewolves)
Es tagad esmu ‘viena no tiem’
Bet es jau ilgi biju, tikai bez stīgām, dziedāju dušā un centos aizmirst tos murgainos, deviņus mūzikas skolas gadus ar trīcošām asaru noklātām rokām uz svešu sviedru ietaukotiem taustiņiem un baltā blūzē salstošo ķermeni eksāmenu telpā..
Es Norvēģijā esmu iemācijusies būt priecīga vienatnē(ticiet, man tas ir bijis grūtākais uzdevums visos laikos) un smaidīt, vairāk nekā vietējie, lietainās brāzmās.
Četras dienas un es jau māku dziesmu, un zini kas ir lieliski? Tas ka man neliekas, ka man kādam būtu tā dziesma jāatrāda, es drīkstu dziedāt sev, es drīkstu saēsties šokolādi un dziedāt šķībi un divreiz atkārtot vārdu, ja nesanāk pareizais akords! Jo šis ir man..
Un serenādes es dziedāšu tikai tad kad visi būs iemiguši, nevis tāpēc ka man kauns, bet tāpēc ka tad es varu dot vairāk mīlestību. Jo tagad man liekas, ka es jau vairāk māku - ar mieru un mīlestību.
Draugi, es jums iesaku skūptīties muzejos, tā lai visas vecās gleznas redz!
Es novēlu jums un sev 2016. mirdzēt!
there are people who will break your heart over and over again, till you don’t let them anymore
it’s easy to question your whole existence:
step 1. try to do the analysis for a practical work in the landscape ecology course you didn’t even apply to, oh but it’s mandatory
step 2. try doing it while thinking about the paper you have to do about a boring book in the globalization course you didn’t apply to either
and finally step 3. remember that you fucked up your own life and then go cry on the window sill because the only course you really enjoyed this semester has ended
ainavekoloģija nav tik sarežģīta kā man vienmēr liekas, viņa pat ir daudz interesanta, bet viņa ir tik ļoti dati un analīze.. un es esmu sieviete es nespēju, NESPĒJU, man vajag dvēselīti, man vajag manu arts and humanities cultural geography kursu. man vajag rakstīt par Rīgas pašportretu un Sensescapes of places
